George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

Imagine George Carlin telling these jokes in his own voice!
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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years.  Because you don't
particularly like them!  Besides, I already know
what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.

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 New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull.  People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it cost less
than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
Trout?

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New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are
permanently damaged.  I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

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New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're gay.  If you're a
kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

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New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do
you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

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New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
water.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a
soft drink.  You want flavored water?   Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your
flavored water.

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New Rule: Stop messing with old people.  Target
is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
square, with a bigger label.  And the top is now
the bottom.  And by the time grandpa figures out
how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.

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New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into
a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge asshole.

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New Rule: I'm not the cashier!  By the time I
look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN
number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and
pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed
to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

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New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it
translates to "beef with broccoli."  The last
time you did anything spiritual, you were praying
to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not
spiritual.  You're just high.

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New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's
one of the seven deadly sins.  ESPN recently
televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too danged exciting. What's next,
competitive farting?  Oh wait.  They're already
doing that.  It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

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New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.  If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

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New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows,
then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens.  Let's remember the reason something was
a television show in the first place is that the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

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New R ule: No more gift registries.  You know, it
used to be just for weddings.  Now it's for
babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white people version of looting.

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New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael.  I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak
with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam,
dude.  I just want to wash my hands.

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New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months.  "27 Months."
"He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.